maristelocampo_sweetesTING

Cutie right? Well, just before I knew it... I waited 20 precious days just to post a new entry here sa blogger ko... Waaaahh!!! Wish I had updated this one. For a lot has happened before and I never thought that I'm gonna enter the Virtual House (again)... So, was it more of a big deal for me? To be frank? "NA-AH" lolz... Sureness, not that big-a-deal! I am just enjoying this moment, for this game's kindda upbeat plus the fact that I'm now playing with virtual housemates from different seasons. Greatness, ain't it? Now, I'm not just exchanging messages with them, rather I'm now communicating to each and everyone of them. Coolness!!! I remember, I was once receiving messages from them and due to hectic scheds from my work, didn't get much time to respond on their messages. But, like what I said before, I'm so sorry for that...

Well, I hope that as PPBBFG All-Star has now switched in its 20th day, and Eviction Night is fast approaching, I do hope that evrything will turn out right, and hope that all of us will be making rational decisions for this matter...

I remember, I was conversing with my friend... All this time, they just thought that I was fooling around... But really, I am not. I just have this ATTITUDE, that I do know a person first before I get so judgemental and say things against that person just for me to have this great IMPACT with others... It has always been my attitude, that "I just met this person. Why should I say bad and mean things against him/her..." I do make it a point that I should have rapport with that person and try to know him/her and not to be swept away by others points of view. This game should not be some kind of a PEER PRESSURE, but a game of REALITY and how reality will lead you to not do EVILNESS...

I myself isn't perfect... I'm not ideal... What you see in here is "WHO I REALLY AM" and not someone who will try to belong with someone who doesn't want me as their friend. I'M PLAIN AS NATURAL itself... Not a pretender, a poser , and a hater. I never pretended... I never imposed... It's not how we'll play this game... Rather, how we're going to deal on the things that we'll be served righ in front of us. I MAY WIN THIS game... I MAY NOT WIN THIS game... But WIN OR LOSE, I will never regret - not a single thing playing this game and engaging with it. We're not weighing things here... Rather, we're doing things that are necessary not for our own good but also for others. WIN OR LOSE, as long as I proved myself here. Proved, as how I will affect others and how other will affect me, I know there will be nice things that some guys here will never forget about me. But as the game itself "REALITY", REAL, totoo... REAL and NOT REEL or a spool of film were all our actions and the things we say are based on the scripts that were assigned to us. This is REAL and what you see in me inside this VIRTUAL HOUSE is nothing but ME and not some cloned individual that has this shifting that may affect him/her positively or negatively... But, I do believe that whichever case or what-so, I or we all know up to where we can be in this game... But just like what I always said, "IT DOESN'T MATTER up to where and how long we'll all stay here, but on how we'll do and play this the RIGHT way without us having to walked on other's..."

Eviction Night is fast approaching... Para na lang akong naghihintay ng Pasko... But STAY OR GO - I know I've learned a few things here. And I know we'll always be in touch... Am not saying my goodbyes here... JUST BEING REAL here... I'm not hungry for something or someone that will make me TRUE, HONEST or REAL - but I will have others instill or have a doze of what I have to be more real here. Coz, if there's a keyword here... It's being real and true to yourself. Yes, we can all weigh things here. But there are some stuffs that are already floating and all we have to do is grab 'em and put weight on it so we won't let them be driven away through and between thin air...

Till next... Peace out guys... ;) STEADY lang tayo... Doing things against someone WON'T DO US GOOD... It won't merit our stay here. CHILL, it's just right to spice things up and steam stuffs sometimes, but we don't have to boil it all out coz, boiling things here will squeal and spill waters (literally) that will slipped each of us, especially if we don't look at it and walking without looking on what you'll step on. We should always LOOK FORWARD and always be on the BRIGHT SIDE, coz if we'll place ourselves in one corner that's so dark, we won't be able to move forward & release what we really feel inside and will always be a prison of darkness. And it will always be our companion and most especially the one that will lead us doing bad things against others. LET'S ALL BE OURSELVES and not let stuffs affect every action we'll...

Cheers!

I was never aware on how to play virtual games... Never had any idea on the "HOW TO'S" of the game... But like what I said, I never thought or imagine myself being a virtual housemate... And with regards on my FINAL MESSAGE for my co-BIG4... We'all soon leave BBK's Virtual House...

The first day was a bit shaky, coz in my mind - there's this though that no one might like me... No one might want me to be their friend... I have things playing in mind like:

* How am I going
to do this thing?
* How am I going to start a conversation with each of my co Virtual
Housemate?
* What if di nila ako feel?
* What if they get intimidated
by my looks?
* Will they like me ba? Who among the 11 Virtual Housemates kaya ang
una ko magiging ka-close?

A lot of questions played in my mind... There are also different things that I consider mind boggling... Coz I really don't know how to play this game virtually. I don't even know how I'm going to establish a rapport with my co-virtual housemates... If there were some things I won't forget in this game, it will be:

* Receiving a Friendster message from Paolo (when at that time, I know, I'm not a housemate yet) dated February 02, 2k6

hello maristel this paolo miguel ur
co-virtualhousemate...ndi ku alam unge-mail add muahehhehe..add mu aku sa
friendster mu okieh???thanks abunch!!!paololovebritney@yahoo.compaolomiguelmata@yahoo.com(^-^)

* And then receiving a Freindster message from Neil TG last February 06, 2k6

hi maristel! =P season 2 has began... i wish u all the best,
and keep the flamegoing til the hundred days are over... it's more on the test
ofpatience,interpersonal relations, and most of all your purpose for being
there...kudos...btw i' neil tg---> season 1 big winner ( this is the lamest
intro onmyself ever...hehehe).sincerely,neil tg

ps...this maybe the second message,my apologies... the first time
i sent messages to season 2 peeps seemed to fail asmy isp slowed down... i just
don't want to miss out on u people...

* When BBK asked me about my first impressions for my fellow virtual housemates... That time, I was not so in the mood to read all the infos from my fellow virtual housemate for some of it was very long... But still I managed to submit my first impressions... One of the first impressions that I was really wrong was when I told BBK that Jen, is kindda hard to reach on... But what happened was, we became the best of friends... Same as with Remcyl, Marge, Pao...

* Later on, I felt that I was having a conflict with time with Kath and Janette but not for so long, we were given the chance to get to know each other well, and we became close friends too...

* Another one was when Jen-Jen and Rems decided to quit the game and BBK decided to put on track our 2 Ex-virtual housemates and that's Ian and Heidee... :) Ian and I have been in some ways been close to. We do talk a lot about different stuffs... That we both love fashion and we have a lot in common too... When he was returned to the house all the gaps that aroused from the week before he got evicted vanished away and that's when we both become open to each other... It was never hard to reach out on him... Same with Heidee who we both discovered that we both voted out each other on the first nomination and also for the same reason... But when she was back on the game, there were a lot of stuffs that we both love to do pala... Just have to say that the 2nd time's always the best...

* When Adrian entered the virtual house and I never had a rough time being friends with him. Coz the first time we texted each other... There was no hesitation... I love this kid and I will forever cherish the things that we shared...

Anyway, the long awaited final message before the summer ends, this is it!!!

First and foremost... I NEVER REGRET A SINGLE THING being in this virtual game... There may be times that I felt so pressured, but this is a GAME right? We just have to play it right... Being in this game, I felt like I was back as a kid, doing her homework and seatworks... Like the Game Ka Na Ba Immunity Challenge... There was this instance that all the knowledge I had was slowly coming back in mind, in memory. For me, this isn't just a game. THIS GAME is some sort of LIFE for me... I believe that "WE HAVE ONLY ONE LIFE TO LIVE... SO MAKE THE MOST OUT OF IT... AS IF THERE'S NO TOMORROW" That's how I played the game... Ever activity, tasks and deeds here will be forever cherished by me. This isn't just a simple game but it has also been a LEARNING stage for me. For I was able to establish a great rapport with my fellow virtual housemates. I know for a fact that there were a lot of questions playing in my mind before this game has started. But as we were fast approaching the 100th day, I've learned a lot of things. I've discovered a lot of stuffs. I get to know almost all of them not just because of GAME's SAKE, but I KNEW EACH and EVERYONE on this GAME BY HEART...

I'm just as lucky as PAOLO who was the BIG WINNER... I may be hypocrite if I'll say that I didn't expect myself to win... Of course, there's this small pinch in me that "I hope, I win the game" But that's life, right... Paolo and I have been good friends in this game. We're bothe PAJEMAREMAnians... So for whatever reasons, I know and I understand and I do believe that PAOLO deserved the title...

>>>>> PAOLO, pao-pao... my little (but huge) brother... Thanks for all the memories... Thanks so much for the efforts... I will forever keep you in heart. You've always been good and I know you deserve to have everything... For any things that causes you troubles lately... Just lift your head up, there's GOD to hear all of your problems and don't forget to look down,,, ATE MATS is always there for you... We may be miles across each other but I know that through words and prayers we'll reach each other no matter what... I can't promise that I'll be online just like before, but this I say to you... I'm just a text away... I'm just around... Don't hesitate to lean on me. For whatever troubles you, entrust everything to GOD first (di ka pa niya itsitsismis) then call on me... Makikinig lang ako... pao, thanks for being a part of my life... I will never ever forget PBBFG2 for in this game I met and knew a lot of wonderful people... I love you Pao...

>>>>> KATHRYN, kath... ang IDOL ng BAYAN... Thanks for the times and moments that I may say (maybe few) but has always been a treasure for me... We may never talk, chat or text constantly but I do believe that for what it is... I'll be a friend no matter what... This game has ran for almost 102 days - we may never ran into each other everytime sa YM... We may have a very few and little time to talk a lot of things and stuffs... BUT YOU GOT A FRIEND IN ME...

>>>>> ADRIAN, wow! What can I say... I've loved this kid eversince his first day at the Virtual House... He was never hesitant to open up himself to me. He never got tired texting me and likewise... I know you thought that I might get the slot as a Big Winner. You once told me, na nasayang yung boto... But like what I said... Yeah, I was hurt a little, but I never lose anyway... WIN or LOSE - I know at heart WINNER pa din ako, coz I GOT YOU guys... I was once a passerby but I'll never regret passing this way, for once in my life, in this journey I get to know you and that will always be a great prize for me. Di lang basta MEDAL or TROPHY... It's a human reward... Just what I was looking for all my life. You may be young, we have a huge age gap, but I'll forever keep you in my heart for you're a friend I know will never put me aside... Adrian, Halong gid... Good luck in all your endeavors...

>>>>> HEIDEE, heidz.. What now? One thing I won't forget... During our first Nomination... We voted each other out... BBK, put you back in the game - and that's were I get to know you more. We have a lot of things in common. Ika nga ng mga bata, "CLICK"... That's what we are! Ito lang, I hope, we'll have the love of our life soon... Di ba? It's our turn naman siguro... Don't worry, I'll let you know kapag mayroon na...

>>>>> IAN, ang walang kakupas-kupas na tagapagpadagdag ng kulay sa loob ng virtual house ni BBK... I will never forget you! I swear! There has been a few misunderstandings between US, pero... that made us CLOSE to each other more... I know and I read sa SHOUTBOX that you Go for Maristel for the Big WIN... Di man ako ang Big Winner, having the chance to know a very vocal and straight-forward person like you was such a BLAST! Basta, where you are, halong gid... Hahaha!!!

>>>>> JANETTE, I know there were just a few times and hours that we chatted... Pero since textmates na din tayo ngayon... Thanks for all the inspiring words you sent me... You know what, sinesave ko pa yun ngayon... Like Marge, you didn't forget my birthday... Remember you text last MAY 18? Yung,

"Ang laki din pala ng money klangan nyo,d ble ol
things r possible w/God,His grace is sufficient 2 r nids,don't wori,ayl let r
community 2 pray 4 d baby,ano nga pla name nya?Wla aq kc ibng mai22long kundi
prayers..Nga pla nkapunta kn b sa caleruega? Sa tgaytay? Ganda kc don,prang ur
already touching heven,sobrang solemn..Try mo dun magcmba sa bday mo."

To tell you frankly, what popped in my mind was, sana nakilala pa kita ng mas mahaba pa... You know what when I was reading the last part of your message, (believe it or not) tumulo talaga luha ko... Janette, you made me cry sa text mo... All this time I was looking for anyone or anybody that I can talk to and that exact day, you were there texting me... Sobrang I felt so inspired... Thank you so much...

>>>>> MARGE, my li'l sister in the house... You were there for me everytime. I remember our first chats, sabi mo you don't know how to converse or start a conversation with me kasi malaki ang age gap natin... THAT's awfully true... But of course that proved one thing... IT DOESN'T MATTER how many years you were younger or how many years I am older... The important thing is, we became CLOSE FRIENDS and most of all, we've been through with each other through thicks and thins... Through the RISE and FALL... The GOOD and the BAD times... Words aren't enough to thank such a pretty and lovable girl like you. I remember - I promised you, Jen and Jejo na if I win the game EB tayo, I'll treat you sa Starbucks kasi magbebirthday na din ako... Well, di nga ako ang BIG WINNER pero eto lang... Manalo matalo, tuloy yun, pero siguro after my birthday... I know - you know a lot of things are troubling me now... You're one the few persons I talked to about what's going on with my life... I know you do understand my side... Basta Marge, you will always be the little sister that I never had... Hope you won't change... Stay sweet and pretty... kiwotsukete! aishiteru! achie's always here for you...

>>>>> ROWEN, kopee... We've had so plenty of communications at the Virtual House... Pero, I know kasama ka din sa kumumpleto sa virtual housemates and sure you are a part of my life na din... Congrats for making it sa U.P. Stay safe and God Bless!

>>>>> RHEA, twice lang siguro tayo nagkaroon ng time makapagchat, well, for those times THANK YOU! I know soon, your dreams will come true... Just AIM HIGH...

>>>>> DYLAN, dyl... ang hearthrob ng bahay ni BBK... Ang Mark Herras sa virtual house... Keep your hottie on the loose type... Win Deeh always... Special friends lang kayo... Pero tip lang... Kung kayo na, court her everyday... I know that you see her as "The most precious possession a person could ever have... And that you're so lucky to have her in your life..." Make everydat as if there's no tomorrow... I know and I feel that you really do love her... I just hope that all guys are like you... Like what you always say.... GODSMACK!!! Stay safe...

>>>>> REMCYL, rems... My ever faithful and fighter friend!!! If there are a few person I trust my life with in this house... IT's ALWAYS BEEN YOU and JEN... For all the times that we spent chatting, GOD! I don't know how to thank you for it... For the times that I was so down and still you manage how to make me smile and cheer up... You may not see how you made wonders in me but I know for myself that YOU'VE ALWAYS been the FRIEND I'm wishing to have forever... I will forever keep in heart the times that we both had LUCKY ME PANCIT CANTON and coffee sessions at YM... The last time that we chatted, THANKS for that! I badly needed that, that time... You really are the type of friend that I will forever keep inside my heart... You know the ways to make me happy and jolly... I love you Rems...

>>>>> JEN-JEN... my ever true good to be true friend! Nung umpisa talaga, tingin ko sa'yo di kita makakasundo... But that impression taught me the first impressions never really last... Coz YOU proved that wrong... We've been through the game for all the time... And for that Jen, I wanna thank you from the bottom of my heart. I recall our last texts... I once told you that I thought of quitting 3 days before the finals... You know why, a lot of bitter things happened... That i really don't know how to deal with it anymore... I know, that there's this part of you, na hindi ka maniniwala dun. But it's very true! But if there's one virtual housemate who taught me everything and on how to fight this game IT WAS YOU and I will be forever thankful for that! For the crazy things we shared along the way... Words are not enough for me to appreciate that... You've been a TRUE FRIEND, REAL FRIEND, a HOUSEMATE and a SISTER all in one... In one package... You've been so helpful along the way, you never kept me out of sight. You've been my confidante and my mentor! With you I feel so safe sa virtual game and for that Jen, thank you is not enough... If in some way, I hurt you or nagtampo ka, sorry for that... But this I swear, I will keep you forever as long as I am living... Hope you will still help me keep on going with my life... Kahit tapos na PBBFG Season 2... Jen, thanks and I love you... I know we'll see each other soon...

>>>>> BBK, ang misteryosong Big Bad Kuya!!! Thanks for the experience and thanks for trusting me sa lahat ng bagay sa virtual house... I owe you a lot in this game... Without you, I wouldn't be able to know a wonderful people sa katauhan ng mga co-vrtual housemates ko... Thanks a lot for all the time that you spent chatting with me... And most of all for teaching me this blog thing! I will miss you BBK... I will miss PBBFG... This virtual game will be a SEAL in my heart...

This is Maristel Ocampo, PBBFG Season 2 Runner up, signing off... Am out... Peace out! CHEERS!!!

Heidee: What do u miss most about having a boyfriend?

Maristel: You got me here Heidz... I really am jaw dropped with your question! This question surprised me... What I miss most about having a boyfriend? Well, I guess it's the precious moments... I know there's a special time spent for our family, special time spent for friends... But there are certain things that not even your family and friends can provide but our boyfriend... In having a boyfriend, I have a family, I have a bestfriend, I have the glow and a different inspiration. I miss precious moments like sneaking out... Conversing over the phone till the sun comes up... Complimenting every little thing I do and definitely mean it... I miss the warm embraces and kisses that lasts forever... I miss the spark... I miss the petty quarrels, the fights, the argumentations, and most of all the "kiss and make-up" thing... It's very literal! After the fight, he'll hold me by the hand squeeze it - hug me as if I'm a stuffed toy, kissin' me on my forehead (sounds like I'm a Lola) and him looking at me straught in the eyes and utter the word "I'M SORRY" - and that way, I'm melting... I miss the kilig moments... The simple greetings (text greetings, phone greetings) on simple Monthsary and Anniversaries... The dating, the sneaking time (like him giving my hand a massage, givin' it a peck and simply take my hand under the table and hold it so tight that feels like he doesn't want to let go of me), the simple celebrations... I'm not talking about my last boyfriend... It's Zidane I'm talking about and I do miss everything about him...

Three more days left and WE'RE (Adrian, Kath, Pao & Me) all soon be leaving BBK's Virtual House. The first day was a bit shaky, coz in my mind - there's this though that no one might like me... No one might want me to be their friend... I have things playing in mind like:
* How am I going to do this thing?
* How am I going to start a conversation with each of my co Virtual Housemate?
* What if di nila ako feel?
* What if they get intimidated by my looks?
* Will they like me ba? Who among the 11 Virtual Housemates kaya ang una ko magiging
ka-close?
A lot of questions are playing in my mind... There are also different things that I consider mind boggling... Coz I really don't know how to play this game virtually. I don't even know how I'm going to establish a rapport with my co-virtual housemates... If there were some things I won't forget in this game, it will be:

* Receiving a Friendster message from Paolo (when at that time, I know, I'm not a housemate
yet) dated February 02, 2k6

hello maristel this paolo miguel ur co-virtualhousemate...ndi ku alam ung
e-mail add muahehhehe..add mu aku sa friendster mu okieh???thanks a
bunch!!!paololovebritney@yahoo.compaolomiguelmata@yahoo.com(^-^)

* And then receiving a Freindster message from Neil TG last February 06, 2k6

hi maristel! =P season 2 has began... i wish u all the best, and keep the flame
going til the hundred days are over... it's more on the test of
patience,interpersonal relations, and most of all your purpose for being there...
kudos...btw i' neil tg---> season 1 big winner ( this is the lamest intro on
myself ever...hehehe).sincerely,neil tg

ps...this maybe the second message,
my apologies... the first time i sent messages to season 2 peeps seemed to fail as
my isp slowed down... i just don't want to miss out on u people...

* When BBK asked me about my first impressions for my fellow virtual housemates... That time, I was not so in the mood to read all the infos from my fellow virtual housemate for some of it was very long... But still I managed to submit my first impressions... One of the first impressions that I was really wrong was when I told BBK that Jen, is kindda har to reach on... But what happened was, we became the best of friends... Same as with Remcyl, Marge, Pao...

* Later on, I felt that I was having a conflict with time with Kath and Janette but not for so long, we were given the chance to get to know each other well, and we became close friends too...

* Another one was when Jen-Jen and Rems decided to quit the game and BBK decided to put on track our 2 Ex-virtual housemates and that's Ian and Heidee... :) Ian and I have been in some ways been close to. We do talk a lot about different stuffs... That we both love fashion and we have a lot in common too... When he was returned to the house all the gaps that aroused from the week before he got evicted vanished away and that's when we both become open to each other... It was never hard to reach out on him... Same with Heidee who we both discovered that we both voted out each other on the first nomination and also for the same reason... But when she was back on the game, there were a lot of stuffs that we both love to do pala... Just have to say that the 2nd time's always the best...

* When Adrian entered the virtual house and I never had a rough time being friends with him. Coz the first time we texted each other... There was no hesitation... I love this kid and I will forever cherish the things that we shared...

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Adrian: What is the worst thing that a boyfriend ever did to you and what did you do about it?

Maristel: I've been through a lot of relationship. I know and I believe that there really are no perfect relationship... I've been through a lot of heartches... Painful moments that I know will happen anytime soon during the time that I was on the relationship. But from all the relationships that I've been through - I consider that the worst thing a boyfriend ever did to me was my very last relationship, with Jan de Luna... This happened April of last year (2005)... It was a whirlwind romance... It all started via Sun Cellular when it was the peak of call and text unlimited for a very cheap price. He's a friend of friends... A common friend I may say. I once checked my Friendster and saw a message from him posted at the bulletin board. I've know him for a long time. We've been introduced to each other everytime we bumped into each other at their Village, but we just take it as a common introduction everytime... Last April, naging kami. April 12 to be specific. May 15 he left for U.S. we've been constant textmates and chatmates (still) I took the risk of continuing and fighting for our relationship though I know long distance relationship rarely survives... But as time fly - I heard a lot of things about him, having an affair with a younger woman... And worst, di lang ako and yung girl na yun ang karelasyon niya... 4 kami... But still after hearing from him the truth, still I hang on. What hurts the most was, I send him loads so we can still text each other. Before he left I gave him something to remember me by... I gave him a Reebok jersey that I bought at Toby's Sports Plaza... I'm not into material things (really) akin naman kasi, I don't ask something in return. Yung suklian lang, okay lang. I remember he once told me na ha has something for me. You know what it was... It was his picture, a 2x2 picture. Kahit I hear from her other girls na merons exhanging of rings and necklaces and stuffs like that, okay lang sa akin... Lahat tinaggap ko. Although he asked me for marriage, sabi ko, no problem with me. Kahit alam ko na he was just playing with me - stii I hang on for months... When I tried to complete the puzzle and the questions that boggling my mind... There's just one answer to what he did... He used me to get back with my cousin... He has false accusations kasi... I know it hurts a lot but all I have to do is accept it, although I've learned to love him na... It's just hard, kasi what my Dad was doing all his life with women, sa akin lahat bumabalik... And I know how it feels to be fooled not just once but many times... MASAKIT...

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Kathryn: Having a seemingly successful career, is there anything else you want to achieve in your field (e.g. business)?

Maristel: I can't say that I have a successful carrer na (right at this moment)... But if there's one thing that I want to achieve right now is to have MY OWN and stable business. Yung ako ang Proprietor. I am not dreaming of a big company and having my own building at Makati. But just a mid-class business that will make my family - especially my DAD proud of me... A business that will have my trademark and will be my pride. A business enough to sustain my FAMILY's needs. And a business where I can save money and to have a house of my own. I've always dreamt of having my own house. I know right now, it's impossible - but with me to achieve it, I have to strive hard and I should have the perseverance... I do believe that I 'll have this someday, maybe even without my Dad's help - but I do believe that God's with me... He do always listen to my prayers and I know in His perfect time, I will achieve it. I just have to KEEP THE FAITH...

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Paolo: What do you think of me as a co-housemate?

Maristel: Now, this question made me smile. Pao, you as a co-housemate is such a pleasure on my part. You are very special to me... I know you're one of my closest in this game (not because you're a PAJEMAREMAnian) ... But YOU, as a virtual housemate sure knows how to make your co-vHousemates special... You're very much willing to do anything for us... You're such a sweet person and I will never ever regret knowing him in this game... He's a kid and a brother to me. And I will forever treasure you. I will keep you inside my heart for once in my life a kid named Paolo Miguel walked in my life and made it worth living and fighting for. I love you Pao...

Yesterday was not the exact day I have been seeing in my mind for some time lately... I woke up early yesterday... Thinking of things to do... Like for our next outing at Pansol, Laguna (again?!?!)... So I was thinking of what I have to bring... But some bad news came... That my Dad was planning to bring 3 girls at the Villa. So we decided, not to push through that plan... I also heard that my Dad's dating a new lad, from Tarlac. And that he's planning to bring the lad @ Baguio this Friday... My heart's been aching and it's tearing me apart... I want to shout! I want to scream! I wanna get mad! I wanna CRY...

I feel so fed up! It's like all my life, what I'm doing is understand him... Love the women that came into his life... Respect them and love them more than what my dad can offer... I dunno, why there are men that's like that. I feel like I'm inside an empty box... That can't breathe...

Then yesterday while I was having my siesta with my Mom and Karen... My brother called me up on the phone... The conversation was like:
MATS: Hello!
RJ: Hello Mats, sandali...
then suddenly I have this feeling that he's not the one who wants to talk to me...
DAD: Ano? Dito ba kayo kakain?
MATS: Ako po hindi. Aalis po kasi ako...
DAD: Sila Doinx nasan?
MATS: Hindi ko po alam. Umalis sila kanina eh...
DAD: Siguro magtatagal sila noh?
MATS: Text nyo na lang po. Alam ko sa NBI and sa WPD lang sila pupunta...
DAD: O sige...

So that's it! What a conversation, right? I was just having this not-so-well feeling that I might be going there and end up doing nothing and worst... Hear words that will definitely break my heart... I wasn't wrong...

Around 12midnight, my brother arrived from Bacood... He has Kare-Kare that Mannique cooked for my Dad and the rest of the fellas at my Dad's place...

We prepared the dining table so we can have our late dinner... I sat in my usual dining chair, just clicking the plate... When my brother placed his clutch bag on the china cabinet and sat in his usual chair... He told me, "Napakadami ng sinabing masama ni Daddy tungkol sa'yo... Masama daw ang loob niya sa'yo... Kesyo sabi mo raw nung minsan, nakakumpirmiso na yung mga aso mo sa ibang tao... PARE-PAREHO lang naman daw ang KULAY NG PERA..."

I am totally clueless on what he said... All of a sudden there I was... My tears fallin'...

Masakit lang kasi, if there was this "kinumpirmiso" na sa ibang tao thing... That's just one puppy... Our friend Bong Aycocho has been expecting for a puppy since last year pa. Nakakahiya lang naman kung di ko pa din siya mapagbibigyan. Ganun din naman, kung ibebenta ko, same price pa din naman, mas mura pa nga ang benta ko sa dad ko... What hurts the most was, lahat daw ng puppies para na daw sa ibang tao ko na ibebenta... Tapos biglang siya daw ang last option ko... Hindi yun eh... Meron akong isang salita... I told him sa kanya ko lahat ibebenta... Kasalanan ko bang mahalin yung dalawang puppies na ngayon inaalagaan ko na... Katabi ko pa sa pagtulog... Pinadala ko na sa kanya the other night yung dalawang puppies pa na sobrang mahal ko na din... It's not that easy leeting go of something na napamahal na sa'yo... Like yung naunang german sheperd that he bought to me, masakit for me, kasi he brought the puppies at Pampanga, and yun namatay... Andun na ko, binayaran niya ako... But the effort that I gave, the love and time that I gave for the puppies that's my point... He once told me that he will bring the Japanese Spitz that I gave him 2 years ago at Pampanga... Ganun din daw yung mga puppies na bibilin niya sa kin... Okay na nga eh... Yung isa I brought it at Metrobank, G. Araneta - Quezon Ave. Branch. The Manager there is a friend of my Dad kasi, and he gave the puppy to her as a gift... The thought is... PARE-PAREHO LANG PALA FOR HIM ANG KULAY NG PERA... Bakit hanggang ngayon di niya pa ako binayaran sa aso na yun?


Second, kahit nakikita ko namakapal ang pera na hawak ng kapatid, ENVY or JEALOUSY never ever popped into my my mind... I know pinaghirapan ng kapatid ko yun sa company ng Dad ko... Alam ko malaki ang pakinabang ng Daddy ko sa kapatid ko. Kung anung meron ng kapatid ko, I'm happy for him. Bigyan niya ako or hindi, it doesn't matter.

I remember... If I am not mistaken April 19 this year... While we are at Pansol Laguna... Around 3:30 am I saw him talking to some women sa may comfort room... Then he blocked my way may be because he thought that I might confront the women and asked them why my Dad's talking to them... My Dad suddenly grabbed me by the arm ang gave me the tightest embrace ever... He whispered to me these words... " 'nak kapag nabenta ko yung Pajero natin, promise ko sa'yo - bibigyan kita ng 50,000..." I remember, I told him "No. I don't need that... Usapang lasing 'to, I know bukas nakalimutan mo na 'to" He told me, "Hindi, 'nak... pangako yan... Tapos, hintayin mo mabenta yung lupa natin sa Paco, bibigyan kita ng kalahating million, kaya lang baka ubusin mo na naman agad..." Simple lang sinagot ko sa kanya, "Yung huli mong binigay napunta sa pagpapagawa ko ng Barbershop, tapos yung iba pinaayos ko yung kwarto..." Sabi lang niya, "Oo nga pala no! Basta kapag nabents yung Pajero, wait ka lang..." Those was his last words for me... But right deep in my heart, I never expect... I know I might get hurt in return, mas masakit yung ganun...

So, I think a week ago, I was at my Dad's place nung mabenta yung Pajero. I was sitting next to him on the couch when he counted some bills from his pocket and gave it to my brother... But since I was in their middle, I grabbed the money... Sabi ko lang, pahawak naman... I count the money... Uy, 25k!!!" Then I gave it to my brother... No heart feelings, I know right then and there wala akong matatanggap from him... So we went home... I went hope empty-handed... It's fine with me... Okay lang naman lagi sa'kin eh... I am the type of person who doesn't know how to demand... Hindi ako mapag-hanap... Hindi din ako reklamador...

So last night, while I was having a cigarette after our late dinner, I was doing some thinkings... I was talking to my brother's wife, Karen... Here's what I thought... Pare-pareho naman pala ang kulay ng pera di ba? Sana nung nabenta niya yung Pajero ano ba namang inabutan niya ko ng pera na kulay UBE (100) or yung kulay PULA (50) or yung kulay ORANGE (20) or worst kahit sampung piso lang... Pare-pareho lang naman pala kulay ng pera eh... Gustong gusto kong umiyak... Di ko na kaya lahat ng sinabi niya... Ginatungan pa daw ni Mannique (his other woman) na "Tuta lang lang naman yun... Para tuta lang, bakit kailangan pang bayaran?" First, when I asked my brother to bring the puppies at his place... Di ko naman sinabi sa kapatid ko na kunin nya yung bayad para sa mga aso... Di ako naningil... I did not even text him, telling him na anjan na yung mga tuta pakipadala na lang kay RJ yung bayad! Wala yung ganung salita... Sobrang sakit! Parang dinudurog ako!

You know what? I have a lot in mind right now... There has been a lot of sacrifices on my side that I did for him... I did not have any side comments or what-so-ever... I kept quiet for a long time. I was 5 years old when he left our family... My Mom gave birth to my brother, 1984 when he started doing stuffs like that. Nagkaroon ako ng dalwang kapatid all on my father's side... The first one was Nica, my Dad doesn't know that I was secretly meeting the child and his Mom. i treated them out... Watched movies, ate out (Eastwood) and bought a lot of clothes and books for her... I know kasi kapatid ko sya. So I think - I have to do what all Ate's have to do for their younger sister... Before pa magdecide ang Dad ko na ipakilala sa kin yung bata, di niya alam, I am acquainted with them na... I've never been an "evil sister" I have never been mean. Instead minahal ko yung bata, even her Mom, Mannique... All of those, I am doing it not to get a good attitude or personality for others... I am not coming in clean for them... I am doing it for my Dad coz HIS HAPPINESS means A LOT TO ME...

When I was a child there are only 2 dreams I want to pursue... It's either to become a DOCTOR or a FLIGHT STEWARDEES... I graduated Bachelor of Science major in Psychology at Far Eastern University, Year 2000. I decided to take a break for a sem... October, I went back at my Dad's place and told him that I made up my mind, and I want to continue and take Medicine... He refused to. Gastos lang daw yun! Masakit! Ang dami niyang pera, it was his dream din naman for me... It has always been his reponsibility as father to provide things for his children. Pero lahat ng responsibilidad niya like sending me to school and napagraduate niya ako, lagi na lang niyang sinusumbat sa akin... Alam ko malaki ang utang na loob ko sa kanya, but it's his responsibility, it's his obligation as a father. So I end up frustrating... Ang yaman niya, I was never the type of daughter who gets what I want... I was never spoiled... I have never been a Daddy's Girl... So, I started up a small business... A playstation House... Then I sell Facial and Beauty Soaps, Longganizas, Loads and other stuffs... Got my first 100k on my savings account Year 2004... Bought my first cellphone when I was in college with my own money... Ngayon naka N70 na ako and not a single centavo came from him. Lahat, sariling sikip! I strived hard to get what I want in my life. To pamper myself. To give myself the things that I long waited for my Dad to give me - but he did not...

My dad made me stronger... From him I learned to hide what my real feeling are... I always have to smile and laugh on things eventhough it hurts... Ayaw na ayaw niya ng umiiyak kapag pinagsasabihan niya, so that's what I did... I learned to answer his accusations and different stuffs that we always argue with... Minsan nga pakiramdam ko... MANHID na ako... Kasi paulit-ulit lang naman yung nangyayari sa amin... Parang sirang plaka... But what I heard last night - that's what HIT me straight from the heart... Di ko na kaya! I swear... All my life, I wanted him to be proud of me... For him to be happy, pero lahat ng ginagawa ko, kulang para sa kanya... He don't know how to appreciate things... He doesn't know how to show love for the people who truly loves him...

With this blog, I was able to release all my pent up emotions... Sukdulan na... I can't take this anymore... I know he will never ever change... I just hope wag na nya hayaan na may mawala na malapit sa kanya just for him to realize things and do good for others...

Anyway, it's me Mats signing off... till my next update...

To my fellow VHs, I am missing you much... :)

pics attached:
-->>> 1st, New Year 2005
-->>> 2nd, My brother and my cousin's Bday August 2005
-->>> 3rd, my Dad with Viobeth (with a son, Ravio)
-->>> 4th, my Dad with Mannique (Nica's Mom)
-->>> 5th, Me, my brother RJ and Nica
-->>> 6th, Me and Ravio...

Wow! For the first time! The blog that I just made was deleted!!! Now, how am I going to start over again... I've been sick for the past few days... Had this major hyperacidity that I really can't take and my doctor advised me to take Prevacid 30mg for 7days... Been through a lot lately....

We've been busy for the past few weeks too. We had 3 big events last Saturday... A convention @ Westin Philippine Plaza who PGMA was the guest speaker. We had a wedding @ Peninsula Hotel... We had a 50th Wedding Anniversary at Oriental Gardens...

Been sick... Recuperate, but still been a SHRINK to a lot of people. There was cousin Bryan who was having problems with his minor wife. His petition papers from the U.S. already arrived and he's scheduled for a medical anytime. He's having problems on how he's gonna convince his wife and his wife's mother to sign as the petitioner for the anullment of their marriage... Also been a shrink to Nadine Bosch, my cousin Archie's girlfriend. They've been having problems lately. I am really willing to give them a helping hand. I don't want their relationship go a stray... Also been a shrink to my cousin Bea who was still in pain with his ex boyfriend AJ... See, eventhough I'm sick, still, I get to help other people... I hope at least by little means I helped them with their probs...

Well I can't wait for our one day vacation at Nasugbu, Batangas. It's all expense by Theresa Linzo. A lesbian friend of my cousin Bane. It's a post celbration of her debut. It's her treat for us. My cousin Bane keeps on teasing Theresa to me.. I dunno why... Pati tuloy yung gilfriend niya, jealous na daw... Anyway, al old friend of mine who happens to be married for two years now, is asking me if he can court me... Wow!!! I don't know what to say! If he isn't married and doesn't have a family, why not? He's sweet and thoughtful... But that's a big problem! See, now I'm telling you... I'm a relationship wrecker!

To Adrian, I remember you once texted me, that you might be the next evictee... Well you're definitely wrong! You made it to the BIG FOUR! I'm happy for you. Anyway, I miss our little chit-chats sa texts... How're you and your SunsHine?

To Paolo, what happened to you... For the past two days, I'm getting online but you're not there... I always buzzed you, pero wala... I know you're so sad with Kellie Pickler being eliminated in American Idol... Wag ka mag alala! You made it naman sa BIG FOUR!!! Anyway, I miss you Pao...

To Kath, I'm so sorry... Alam ko ang dami ko ng atraso sa'yo... Don't worry, when I come back from Batangas, I'll give you the info's

To Heidee, it's been real fun sharing little beauty stuffs with you! Hope to hear from you soon!

To Kath and Heidee... Whoever leaves or stay at the house... I'm happy for you... Kung sino man yung aalis sa vHouse ni Big Bad Kuya... I'll be treasuring a lot of memories forever... Whoever leaves, I never regret given the chance to know you... Whoever stay, I hope we will all stay stronger! Whatever happens, after this season, we will be friends forever!

Anyway, for two consecutive days, I busied myself shopping... Till I saw this beautiful fuschia crocheted two-piece and I can't wait to wear it! As if!!! The guts naman!!!

Anyway I'll keep you posted soon... Miss you all guys!

~*~ There's this certain song that keeps on running in my mind... Since yesterday that I watched the video at Myx, I just can't simply take it off my mind. I know you all know the song "JUST ONCE" - as what with my last posts on ProBoards... I remember I once declared that I wanna be in love. I need some loving. Someone who'll understand me. Someone that I can give my love whole-heartedly...

Recently I had this thinking, that I may not have had the perfect relationship, but I know that in each relationship I went through - I know that it made me stronger. I've had almost all the bad relationship. I wasn't fooled once. I wasn't fooled twice. But still I continue living... I continue loving life. It's just that LOVE's a little out of my way.

They say that LOVE is like a butterfly that the more you chase it, the more it eludes you. But when you just let it fly, it will come the least you expect it... Just open your hand and that butterfly will surely make it's way right into your palm... I've always believe in that saying.

That I shouldn't find love. That it's love - that has to find me. There has been a lot of surveys in Friendster that I have answered. If I'm not mistaken, the question "have you been in love?" has been overused for quite some time now. And all I have to answer is "WHO DOESN'T?" Now tell me? It's right, right?

We all have been in love. We all loved the feeling of being in love. We all have been crazy in love. But most of the time, we all end up bruised - by love... We all end up hurtin'... We all end up in pain. But no matter hoe painful it is - I know and I believe that everything happens for a reason. Everything that happened in our life has its own purpose. It may be good, it may be bad... But God knows that He gave us that trial because He know that we can overcome it... We'll surpass it and we'll learn from it...

I just can't simply understand why FRIENDS CAN BE LOVERS but LOVERS CAN'T BE FRIENDS... I, myself really is aware of that. Sometimes, it just confuses me. Coz some people around me still ended up friends with their ex lovers. When I myself, can't. They always told me that maybe I am just being "bitter"... I know down deep in my soul that once I called it quits - it ends there. Yes, I am open for friendship - but the closeness we had before we'll never be the same again. I still do believe that maybe some ex couples became friends is either because thay really didn't love each other that much or maybe there really is no love deep inside...

But somehow, I'm wondering, why some people can be a total strangers after all....

I dunno what popped in my head, why I am so all over for love right now. I am recuperating because I've gone sick for a few days - but what really strucked me now is L.O.V.E. - maybe because I am a hopeless romantic and I am now open for any chances...

I've took risks, I've taken chances before but still - I didn't get much love in return. I just wish, that maybe someday, somehow, love will find it's way to me...